Agreed to open relationship while girlfriend away in Europe...

penispenispenis999 · 2012-05-23T11:42:02.199625+00:00

You might want to ask over in r/polyamory...they've got a lot of experience dealing with this sort of bump. Opening up a relationship doesn't always go smoothly, but it also doesn't mean that it has to end. It sounds like both you and she are open to talking about this, and there's nothing wrong with closing the relationship back down after you've tried it open. Sometimes the theory works out better than the practice does, and it doesn't mean that either of you are horrible people, or that your relationship can't get past this.

Amortentia88 · 2012-05-23T11:37:24.228055+00:00

How old are you? If you're in your early 20s and have been together since you were teenagers it's a different situation than if you're both in your 40s.

xxkibblezxx · 2012-05-23T11:04:56.212902+00:00

The Other Boleyn Girl was just odd. Why even write historical fiction if you don't pay any attention at all to what actually happened?

On the other side, the 1970 BBC The Six Wives of Henry VIII is excellent. Well worth watching if you're at all into the Tudor Period.

djfeelgood · 2012-05-22T12:58:33.414400+00:00

Sounds great! We'll bring our teenagers.

immrthrowaway · 1 day

She's at the point of asking him to move out.

People like that are always 'at the point' of asking their spouse to move out. "I'm going to leave him/her" is really the oldest and most used line in the infidelity handbook.

shitforhead · 1 day

What type of closure are you looking for from her? Closure is something that comes from within yourself- when you accept that it's over, and move on with your life. She can't do that for you. It sounds like she's already told you her reasons, and the actions that you've taken since hasn't changed her mind- can you think of anything that she can tell you that's going to make you feel better or more at ease over the breakup?

Rae_the_Wrackspurt · 1 day

Triplets and I with stomach flu, while their dad was working double-shifts. For the first few hours (until our babysitter came over and helped) it was getting difficult to find spaces to sit/stand/lie that weren't covered in vomit or diarrhea. I was so sick it didn't occur to me to care that much.

ragetrololol · 1 day

It really disturbs me how loose her sexual standards were

Loose how? You're apparently willing for her to have sex with you, so what's wrong with her also having sex with other people that she's been involved with in the past? Are you expecting that your future partners are waiting patiently in the wings until you show up? Are you 'damaging' future partners by having sex with your current girlfriend?

If you really do believe that she's 'loose', then do her a favour and break up with her, because there's no reason for her to feel badly about herself. I'd do some hard thinking about why sleeping with people other than you makes her 'loose', and what you are looking for in future sexual relationships. People have sex for different reasons, and I've found that it helps to have partners who have the same basic view of sex as I do.

liesandmorelies123 · 2 days

I'm sorry that you're going through this- it happened to me once, and it took me a long time to get over it.

Don't go nuclear- it only makes you look bad, and it's not fair to her husband.

If you are going to contact her husband (and I think that he has a right to know), make sure that you have proof (screenshots, pictures etc). Chances are that he already knows or suspects, and may have chosen not to confront her about it. That's his choice, but he does deserve the information. I'd recommend a letter with your proof included instead of a phone call, because while it may not be as satisfying for you, it gives him the space to figure out what he wants to do. If it really is coming out of the blue, he may need some time to digest the information, and it's not unlikely that he'd discount anything except absolute proof.

Since she's liable to intercept something going to the house, I'd try to send it to his workplace (if that's possible, and you can be reasonably sure that he's the only one who will read it).

I wouldn't even bother talking to her- nothing's to be gained by that except for extra drama, which isn't going to do you any good at this point. You'd also be giving her a heads up that you're going to spill the beans to her husband, and she may well start on immediate 'damage control', in which case you're liable to end up being painted as a crazy stalker type with a flair for photoshopping emails and pics.

Good luck, and again, I'm sorry that you're having to go through this. In the long run going nuclear would make you feel worse.

Bruin86 · 2 days

Typical submission theology. Great if that's what you're into, I guess, but that type of stereotyping of the sexes would be almost laughable if it weren't so sad.

PetersonBaker · 2 days

My kids are almost 17, and I still feel that way :-)

Throwawaywestchester · 2 days

You deserve someone who treats you better- at the very least, someone who at least pretends that they're in a relationship with you, instead of using you to have sex occasionally.

Dump him.

mrekted · 2 days

It's a good thing to watch out for- even though I've always had problems with depression, when it got a lot worse after the kids were born we just figured that I was exhausted from nursing and caring for 3. It took almost a year before someone finally clued in that it was PPD, and after a month of meds I was right back on track again. I wish that someone had clued in a bit more quickly, because I really don't have that many great memories from the first year.

chequebookstubs · 3 days

My daughter is 16 as well, and also developmentally delayed (she's also autistic, and has mental health issues). She's also aggressive and verbally abusive when she's melting down, so if you ever want to talk, I have an idea of what you're dealing with). About 6 months ago she started swearing, and it was certainly a surprise. I'm okay with the standard words in certain situations, but I have no idea where she picked up some of her vocabulary.

One thing that has helped us (a bit- we're not over the hump yet), is talking about 'appropriate' behaviour. She's very motivated to be accepted by her neurotypical peers, so we're able to explain that some language is appropriate in school, some at home, and some only in her room.

Do you have access to a behaviour therapist? Can you figure out what's preceding the swearing? Is she looking for a reaction from you, expressing her feelings in a way that feels 'right' to her, or is it something that happens as she's ramping up to a violent or abusive level?

If she's doing it to provoke a reaction it might be worth trying planned ignoring. We've found that if it is an attention seeking behaviour that usually takes care of it in a few weeks, although it is very difficult to do. The behaviour also tends to become more frequent for the first few days, as she'll probably escalate it to provoke a reaction. But eventually we've found that it's a really useful way to try to extinguish behaviours before they get very established.

Can you keep a tracking record so that you can try to isolate what might be causing it? Does it happen more often after school, when she first arrives at your house, just before she leaves? If she's tired, or having difficulties with sensory issues? Because it's a recent occurrence it might be a reaction to the transitions, or she could be testing your boundaries, or she may be in an emotional tailspin at the moment with no other way to express it. When we track things we generally try to have a daily sheet, with columns that we can check off easily. Time of day, before/after meds, tired yes/no, sensory, weather etc...it's going to be different for each child, but I've often found that doing it does help us to get an idea of why that behaviour might be occurring, which helps us figure out what is the best way to proceed.

Good luck, and you're a wonderful person for doing this. I don't know what we would have done over the years without the type of support you're providing.

Phunt555 · 3 days

You could try Heinlein's If This Goes On ...for some reason it's called Revolt in 2100 here.

The last two books of Dan Simmons Hyperion Cantos (Endymion, and Rise of Endymion) are all about a multi-planet universe governed by the Roman Catholic Church (the Pax), and the people fighting it. You might be a bit lost if you don't read the first two books.

Sherri Tepper's Gibbons Decline and Fall also has a Christian theocracy. It's similar to the Handmaid's Tale in a lot of ways, but worth it by itself.

AntToeKnee · 7 days

Still not as bad as Deadwood being cancelled so that David Milcher could make John From Cincinatti. At least King of the Hill had a good run.

Whirledpeas1129 · 7 days

I think that to some extent those feelings come and go- I'm well past the age and capability (tubes tied) of realistically wanting more kids, but both my husband and I have periods of time where a baby/toddler seems like a very, very good idea.

I've always known that every milestone my kids pass is 'our last'...I had an unplanned triplet pregnancy, and after they were all diagnosed with autism there were practical as well as ethical issues involved in our decision to stop having kids. So every time the last child 'passed' a milestone (nursing, walking, diapers, pre-school, grade 8 graduation etc), I knew that we'd never go through that again. That's been very difficult at times- I still remember the day that the last child stopped nursing, and I realized "this is it".

But parenting continues, and just because you've passed those milestones doesn't mean that there aren't a lot more on the horizon. Three teenagers are more than enough for me, and although I'll probably be a basket case when adulthood comes (which is only a few years away), I'm never going to stop being a parent.

Have you talked at all about being a foster family? There's a huge need for responsible families, especially for very young children, and that may be a constructive way to address the baby issue. Volunteering for your local teen mother program? Becoming a midwife/doula? I know that Children's Aid (in Canada- CPS in the U.S.) is always looking for volunteers/paid helpers to deal with very young children. There are a lot of ways to be involved with and loving children that don't necessarily involve you actually producing more.

And I've learned that if you bake, your house will almost always be full of children, and loud :-) That's a simplification, but you'll find that as your kids get older they are going to have friends who will gravitate to a house that welcomes them. My kids are 16 now, and I can think of 4 peers off of the top of my head that are couch-surfing at the moment, because their home situations are so bad (that's not counting the ones who are just being teens, and choose to leave. And we live in a 'good' area).

kennedr · 7 days

Very rarely these days- I read on a Kindle, so I don't buy paper books nearly as much as I used to. I will buy hardcovers of authors that I really love, or series that I'm still enjoying that I already have in hardcover (there are only 2 series at this point, which helps my bank account). I'll also pick up short story collections if I happen to be in a used bookstore and run across them- I love the Hugo and Nebula collections, and have a good number of them.

But in our area of Ontario a new hardcover is usually around $40, and we have limited storage space, so I think twice before buying one. With unlimited budget and space I'd probably buy more.

SymbolicRevolution · 7 days

What grades do you teach?

My daughter is in grade 10, and some of the books that have made a big impact on her are Speak, The Help, Carrie, The Lovely Bones, The Handmaid's Tale, Into the Wild (that's a great book for talking about decision-making skills). They've done some of the classics as well (Farhenheit 451, Animal Farm, To Kill a Mockingbird, 'easy' Shakespeare), but To Kill a Mockingbird was the only classic that seems to have made an impact.

They also did Lord of the Flies/Hunger Games together, and that was certainly an interesting week.

kush_domain · 7 days

Originally entitled What is an American, and written by a law professor. Gotta love Snopes :-)

katzirra · 8 days

A Prayer for Owen Meany.

Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal , just because it still always makes me laugh.

hypnagogicjerk · 10 days

Is it possible that they're just friends? Most of my SO's have been even more clueless about fashion than I am, but fortunately I've always had a couple of friends who I could ask for their opinion if I wanted to.

What are the rest of her interactions with those people like? Is she just asking for help with fashion, or is she crossing other boundaries? Complaining about you, talking about how she hates long-distance relationships, asking for emotional reinforcement about things other than clothes, flirty?

If she really is only asking for opinions about her clothes, then I'd learn to deal with it. Having opposite sex friends apart from your primary relationship is a sign of a healthy person, not a cheater, as long as both of the people in the relationship understand what the acceptable boundaries are.

AphorismMan12 · 10 days

You didn't confront her- you left messages on her FB. It's normal to feel hurt and betrayed, but leaving messages on FB is pretty passive aggressive, and a bit immature. I think that your definition of subtle might be a bit off.

I'd kiss your trip money goodbye, unless you're lucky. If you're right and she was cheating then at least you found out before you got even more deeply involved.

Sorry that you have to go through this- it's never fun.

tossit81 · 10 days

This is my thoughts on the whole thing. I believe that she genuinely cares about me. She might even love me but is scared to say so. But her not looking for a serious relationship when we got together in addition to possibly still wanting to fuck around with other people is keeping her from going all in. Does this seem accurate?

Not from the outside. It sounds like she's got a lot of issues, and you're convenient.

2.) The weed thing. This isn't the first time she's gotten stoned and turned into kind of an asshole on me.

Some people do- while 'common' wisdom says that weed makes you all mellow and does no harm at all in any way, some people are total assholes after they smoke (I'm one of them). If you are determined to have a relationship with her for some reason that isn't apparent, it's fair to insist that she either not smoke it around you, or gives it up. Is she smoking around her kids, and treating them badly as a result?

Where are her kids in this? I've been a very sexually active single mom, and I never exposed my kids to any of it. Are you seeing her on her every other weekend off? Is she taking many men back to the house where her kids are? Of course it's possible to have a responsible, active sex life as a single parent, but most of the people that I've seen pull it off (with no harm to the kids) have done it by keeping their sex/relationship lives completely separate from their home life until things become serious. The kids are actually my concern in all of this- 4 and 7 year olds are very impressionable, and can also form attachments very, very quickly. How many 'sleepovers' has Mommy had? When you're a responsible single parent, your first concern has to be your kids. If it's not, then she might not be a great person to get involved with.

FWB is difficult to pull off in the best of situations (even though it's wonderful when it works). From what you've written it sounds to me like you are much more emotionally involved than she is, and that she pretty much has crazy written all over her. Is this really a situation that you want to be a part of?

asd_dad · 10 days

In our area anyone associated with our school board, and most govt. agencies, aren't allowed to communicate electronically about anything specific due to privacy paranoia.

It's asinine- I can communicate with our case worker from the school board over email as long as my daughter's name, or anything specific, are never mentioned. Our emails go something like "Remember that thing we talked about last week with my blonde child in grade 12? We've got that appointment now." Fortunately we almost always know what we're communicating about, but it makes it impossible to do anything online except book meetings. Working with any provincial agency (except for one) is even worse.

I would love to do everything online, but that's just not happening here. I have 3 children with special needs, so they each have their own colour-coded binders and folders. Each child has their own colour of binders, and within those binders, each 'area' (therapy, agencies, assessments, funding, medical) has their own colour coded folders. Everything within those folders is filed by date, so theoretically I can put my hands on what I need quickly. It's going to be even more useful when I finally give in and give each kid their own filing cabinet.

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